Family challenges in the context of wealth
Financial success has many wonderful benefits. It can also be hard on families. Wealth can exacerbate disagreements and amplify rivalries. “Walking on eggshells” is common at some point in a family’s journey with wealth.
The danger is that it becomes the norm.
There’s a hidden influence on families: how past generations behaved and treated one another. Poor communication, workaholism, substance abuse, and codependency are examples of hidden legacies that undermine family wellbeing across generations.
Helping families create their own solutions
During difficult times, families may think their only option is counseling. But therapy can be too clinically-focused on diagnosing and “fixing” families. It can lead to a sense of introspective wheel-spinning that actually hinders forward movement.
Counseling is certainly appropriate is some cases. But many families have an innate capacity to resolve problems and move forward without therapy. This capacity should be trusted, nourished, and given a chance to succeed.
Many famiiies can tap their own innate ability to resolve problems and move forward without therapy.
Shifting dysfunctional family dynamics
How can families reconnect with this self-healing ability? It starts by getting perspective on your situation: a frank, honest assessment of what’s working…and what isn’t. Then experimenting with new ways of relating that can lead to healthier family connections.
Ultimately, it’s about creating evidence. Family members need to feel convinced that good faith efforts are being made to break dysfunctional relationship patterns. They need to believe that what matters most to them is being seen and respected.
This takes practice. And it works. Families can recreate safe, trusting relationships of unconditional love, reconciliation, and mutual flourishing.
Families can recreate safe, trusting relationships of unconditional love, reconciliation, and mutual flourishing.
Porous family boundaries
One of the most common experiences among families in wealth is a breakdown of healthy boundaries.
The pressures that come with financial success create a strong impulse for protection and control. Parents want their children to enjoy and maintain the family legacy and reputation. The “rising generation” wants to discover their own identity, balancing the freedom and obligations that come with wealth. But the obligations can be life-consuming.
The result is often a cross-generational enmeshment. Family members break boundaries in hopes of helping “fix” one another’s problems. While based in good intentions, it usually leads to regrettable and hurtful family dynamics, such as:
- Using money as a bandaid to obscure relational conflicts.
- Using influence to provide unearned opportunities to family members, which undermines authentic self-confidence.
- Codependency where some family members’ self-worth is based on others’ approval.
- Family silos, cliques, and echo chambers that distort reality and fuel conflict.
- False intimacy and skewed power imbalances.
Becoming a boundary-honoring sage
How do you stop being a boundary-crossing fixer?
One way is by seeing yourself as more of a question-asker than a problem-solver. The goal is to help family members help themselves, without getting enmeshed in the drama of their situation. The following questions support their self-agency in this way. The questions can be used in almost any situation.
- So what’s going on? (Then just listen!)
It is an incredible gift to feel heard. It is rare. As a boundary-honoring sage, you can let your family externalize their thoughts about a difficult situation without editorializing, advice-giving, critique-making, or solution-offering. Just listen. - What’s seems to be the root of this problem?
Once a person says out loud all the things jammed in their mind, this questions helps them clarify what matters most.
3. When have you dealt with a situation like this before?
This question helps family members connect to their own earned experience. It helps them see they have inner resources to call upon in addressing their challenges.
4. What advice would you give to a friend?
Often, it’s easier to see a path forward when it’s not happening to us. We can help family get this external perspective by imagining their friend is going through what they are experiencing. Again, this helps them tap their own inner resourcefulness.
5. What are your options?
This is about brainstorming possibilities, not evaluation. I emphasize creativity with this question by picking two extremes, like. “you could do nothing, or you could change your identity and move to Tibet. What other options are on the spectrum between those?”
6. What’s your next, best step?
This question prompts action, and reminds them they have the power to do something, even if it’s just a small step.
Finding help that helps.
As a coach, I can help families reconnect with their ability for self-healing. I help break patterns of behavior like the “boundary-crossing-fixer” pattern.
You are fundamentally creative, resourceful and whole, not broken. My job is to help you reconnect with the wellbeing at your essence so you can take wise action.
I’d love to offer you a complimentary coaching session so we can experience this together. No strings attached…just click below to schedule!
